Friday, December 24, 2010

Eight Hours

Imagine yourself in a car traveling down a highway at 90 kilometers an hour. Now imagine that, while you could be actually doing that speed, or even faster, you can't, because the moron in the vehicle in front of you brakes for every turn, even on a straight stretch, because they've never driven through a mountain pass.

I did such a thing. I drove yesterday, for eight hours, and spent roughly four of those hours raging behind novice drivers who were given a permit to operate a vehicle who have no idea how to actually drive for the conditions that exist.

Congratulations, you passed! Here's your license, not go pretend you actually know how to drive by pretending you're a grandmother in a Studebaker going 30kph instead of the posted 100kph. Oh, and upon realizing that there's cars backed up behind you because you're going so damn slow, slow down more!

I wish I could install spikes into my truck and get a permit to ram people who drive like retards.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Santa - the Stalker in the Window

You know what I hate most about the Christmas season? Santa Clause.

Go on, say it. I can hear people saying boo, saying how respectable he is as a holiday institution. That he's great bringing us all these gifts and it's a wonderful time. Go blow it out your ass. Just more shit on the pile.

Truth is, it's as though people just decided that it's okay for a what could considerably be a pedophile in a giant red outfit to walk around, possibly molesting their children, all under the guise of giving them gifts. Why not candy, too? I bet he's got a van or something somewhere; you know, a little side-job here and there being kind and generous all year around. But it's just that, Santa is a serious creeper. "Hey there, little Sally, what would you like for Christmas?" I'm sure she wants a pony, but I bet Santa wants to give her the chub he's got forming in his pants as the little kid squirms while counting on her fingers all the items she, as a properly raised consumerist wants.

He's a hardcore creeper. He knows when you're sleeping? When you're awake? This sounds so badly like a stalker I think any parent in their right mind would be getting a restraining order done up, not inviting him in for milk and cookies. And if he knows so much, why isn't he in with some government agency providing valuable intelligence to fight terrorists? Nope. Can't do that, but he will happily watch your kids ... all the time. Even when they're alone in the bathroom in the tub. Yeah, just great.

Oh, and the whole naughty/nice thing? Do you really think he should know who's naughty and nice? I mean, honestly, a man of that caliber, who is already a hardcore creeper probably just wants to know who all the "naughty" girls are so he can exploit them, never mind the whole elf business. Little people toiling away building toys for Christmas? Sounds like a sweatshop built upon the backs of a large number of Filipino immigrant workers. Maybe Mexicans. Regardless, exploitation.

So, you've got a guy who's basically using slaves to run an organization that keeps tabs on your kids, what they're doing, when they're awake or sleeping, and it's just fine and dandy to put the child that is YOUR responsibility on his lap for picture time. This sounds like a bad B-rate movie horror flick gone wrong. And it is wrong. Santa doesn't bring gifts. He brings the heebie jeebies with a big dose of "get the fuck away." Seriously.

Know what's even worse? Parents happily give more attention to what is essential a pedophile in a suit instead of, say, a martyr who died so that they could live. Where's the logic in that? Some might not agree with the second, but come on, why the fuck do people even go for the first one? Santa as an entity should be raising the hairs on the back of ones neck, the whole thing just sounds so wrong.