WPCA - Welcome to Hell, Enjoy Your Stay Prt 3

It happened that somewhere along the line, Demon might in fact run into someone semi-intelligent. He did not, however, see it as being a giant, blue furred monkey-thing standing outside the coffee shop smoking a cigarette. The thing drawled on the coffin nail before casting him a look. At first, Demon thought it was just another freak. And when it spoke, he thought it was just another freak. But when it told him to look out for the evil, zombie Undead Penguin behind him, he still thought it was just another freak.

Then he came bustling over and smacked that Undead Penguin one-for, launching it into a side wall in an alley.

"You gotta learn to pay more attention, buddy," the thing said. "There's lots of crazies about here."

"Oh, you're telling me. Ever thought about looking in the mirror?"

The thing bristled. "I might look the part but I certainly don't play it, ya idgit!"

There was a momentary pause, then, "So what do I call you?"

"Beast."

"Just Beast?"

"Just Beast, with a capital 'B'. And you?"

"Demon."

"And you said I sounded like one of the freaks."

Then the Undead Penguin began to get back up. Red eyes glowing, menace and squawking noises and almost-words interpreted as killing family and making everyone suffer. Demon froze. Beast, did not. "Is that Poison Ablaze! you got there?"

"Yeah. What about it?"

Beast snatched the can away, walked up to the Undead Penguin and sprayed. There was a moment where time stopped. A moment where the Undead Penguin, rotting with the stench of death, looked over its new glossy coat. A moment, where the craziness might stop and reality would reassert. Then...

"OH GOD IT BURNS! IT BUUURRRNNNSS!" screamed the Undead Penguin as it began to fall apart. Chunks were sloughing off and turning into ooze that was seeping into the drains. "I'M MMMEELLLTTTIINNG! MMMEELLLTTTIINNG! I'LLL GEEEETTT YYOOUU, ANNNDD YOOUUEE PRREETTY BLUUUUE BEEASST TOOOOOO!"

And as the Undead Penguin melted away, it revealed a pair of bright red stilettos, ruby in color. They looked encrusted in rubies.

"You have got to be shitin' me."

"That's what I was thinking," Beast chimed in.

"THEEYY'RE MINE!" a woman screamed then.

"NO, THEEY'RRE MINE!" another female voice wailed.

And then the two women, clad in bikinis, covered in mud despite there being none in the street, dived in from atop the buildings nearby and began to beat the crap out of each other. Knees and elbows and fists and kicks and power bombs and arm bars and all sorts of violence was erupting. Up until one of the girls pulled the head right off the other girl revealing her to be nothing more than a life-like Barbie doll.

"TAKE THAT, LADY M! I AM VICTORIOUS!"

Then this other woman put the stilettos on and began saying the mantra, "There's no place like home." She repeated, clicking her heels together. Nothing happen. She did it again. Still nothing happen. Cursing, she tried a third time. Then she was shot.

"Damn that Abby girl," the voice said, "doesn't know when to quit. She'll be back later, though. Doesn't matter how many times you shoot them, they're always back."

Then the Sniper took off. Beast and Demon turned and looked back, but the bodies of the two dead females were gone. All that remained were the ruby stilettos.

"I don't think we should touch those," Demon said. "And I could use a stiff drink about now."

"Yeah, I think I'll join you."

And the pair walked off into the street...

---

There were three of them. Each had one some suit. One looked more like a woman, but Demon thought it could well be a man. Beast said it was a man. In the end both agreed it was disturbing. Each of them wore armor suits. Each of them talked a lot of jargon about specs; a lot of high end stuff involving words that had meanings in a scientific journal somewhere but certainly wasn't on Demon's top ten list of best reads. Probably on his top ten list for yawn inducing, though. In the end, each of them sounded like five year olds. Five year olds that talked like British Lords...

"You know who these ones are?"

Beast hummed and hawed a moment. Scratched at his blue furred chin. Made grunting noises. Demon was sure he could hear wheels grinding, gears churning. Hear the little men inside that massive skull yelling for more coal to stoke the flames as wisps of steam flowed out his ears and rose up to make a halo about his head. And Beast said he wasn't one of the crazies...

"The one that looks like a wolf-thing, that's Wolfgang."

"Uh-huh."

"The one that looks like an aristocrat, that's Zeon."

"Uh-huh."

"And the one that looks like a chick but is actually a dude..."

"...but has boobs..."

"...but has boobs..."

"...and a shapely figure..."

"...and a shapely figure..."

"...and if was really a woman I would hit..."

"...and if was really a woman I would hit, that's Libram."

They approached the arguing trio. They heard phrases like, "Well, my good chap, my ECHO armor is capable of the most astounding hyper-velocities. Why, I do say she can cross the Atlantic pond in well under an hour," and "Oh, really," and "Quite" and "Indeed," and "Well you certainly have no idea the stresses such a motion might have upon your armor. Why, I do say that it would tear it to shreds," and "Preposterous."

"Eh-hem."

The trio turned as one. Only one looked angry. And slobbery. And absolutely appalled all the same. Then Demon knew why. Beast was behind him, sniffing his wolf-thing ass even though he was wearing some kind of techno-suit of armor. Oh, well, there went his "I'm sane even though I'm a massive, hulking blue thing featured off the Muppets!" card.

"I was wondering if you three could point me in the direction of a bar."

"Oh," said Libram.

"Dear me," said Wolfgang.

"Bar you say?" said Zeon.

"Well, good chap," said Libram.

"The pub you see," continued Wolfgang.

"It's such a shame," finished Zeon.

Then Wolfgang turned and made a mess of Beasts skull. Whimpering much like a dog, he came back to Demon, made mumbling sounds that were almost like, "well I never liked his ass anyway."

"What's a shame?"

"The pub burned down," said Libram.

"But there is the coffee shop next door!" continued Wolfgang brightly.

"Oh, but they do serve the most glorious Earl Grey. Don't you agree?" asked Zeon. The other two agreed most unanimously.

Directions were forthcoming, and of course required each of the trio to again speak in turn. Demon tried to keep his attention but constantly found his eyes wandering to Libram's massive cleavage. He kept reminding himself that this was, indeed, a dude. But he couldn't help it. By the end of it, though, and having his leg pissed on by Beast, he left -- Beast of course still in tow and his sanity in question.